To the Boy I Have Loved and Lost

Dear Bryce,

Dad, Mom, and Bryce

That would have been your name, by the way, Bryce Jericho. You see, Mommy never had the chance to hold you. I only knew about you for a few weeks – 14 weeks, if you want to know – and then you were gone.

I found out about you in October 2012. You have been in my tummy for almost two months then. I had no idea you were in there. All I knew was I was always sleepy, always hungry, and always in a foul mood. You made it quite hard for Mommy, honey. Mommy was not so pretty when she carried you. She was pimply and miserable.

That's you in there, baby boy!

Mommy thought she just missed her period. Twice in a row. She didn’t think much about it, and went on drinking and smoking to her heart’s content. Mommy wants you to know that she deeply regrets that, honey. She would never have carried on with her vices if she found out about you sooner.

Daddy and I tried to imagine how big you were inside Mommy's tummy. ☺

Mommy tried taking care of you after finding out, you even stayed with her until December. Mommy only knew about you for two months, but Mommy loves you so much, anak. Losing you broke Mommy’s heart, she even thought she would lose her mind. Mommy found herself in tears numerous times a day after you left her, but she had no one to blame but herself. She didn’t take care of herself, so you paid the price for her.

Mommy still thinks about you, baby. She dreams about you, too. Mommy hopes you were taken from her to keep Lola company in heaven. The two of you are inseparable in Mommy’s dreams. You visit Mommy and your little sister all the time.

That's you, baby!

The tat Daddy got after losing you. He thought he could drown the pain by looking for another source of pain.

Please know that Daddy misses you, too. He’s too macho to admit it, but he does. He still has the egg tattoo he got when I was pregnant with you, and the freehand hand tattoo he got when we lost you. You see, you’re ingrained in our system. You will always be.

Watch over us from heaven, anak. Mommy loves you. Daddy does, too. I talk to your sister about you a lot, sweetie. How it would have been nice if you two had met and grew up together. But life has other plans for us all, so… Smile down on Mommy, anak. I will always love you. You may never have been in my arms, but you will always be in my heart.

I love you!

One of our last photos together. I love you!

Missing you,
Mommy